New nonsense coming soon.
I promise

From the Basket

Next big issue for California voters:
Proposition K-9

I've Abandoned My Child!

In case you didn't notice, I have not posted a single thing here in the past two weeks. That's right, ladies and gentlemen, I have neglected the Haberdashery. I am a terrible and abusive father. While I am emotionally stoned by a theoretical mob of angry villagers, please visit the Cynical Fly and read brand new Trivial Thoughts from a far more attentive and devoted webparent.

I am truly sorry for any long term effects my shameful act has caused you.

Won't You Be My Neighbor UPDATE

Click the photo above to super-size those grotesque mutilated man boobs

This is not a picture of my neighbor but yet ANOTHER crazy half naked Russian guy. What's with the lack of shirts in Russia?

A Message from Dennis Hopper

Word of the day: RAPSCALLION

So gangsta

If you're anything like me, you probably think that a rapscallion is a green onion that can spit hot rhymes. WRONG! The word in fact means a rascal, scoundrel or rogue, terms that describe many a hip-hop artist . If a green onion were to pick up a microphone and drop some lyrics, he would thus indeed be a rapscallion and a rap scallion. While there has been no recorded case of a rhyming vegetable, history reminds us of 1996, when MC Honeydew freestyled against LL Cool J. Unfortunately, MC Honeydew lost and was subsequently cut up and eaten by the vicious crowd.

Won't You Be My Neighbor?

This man is not my neighbor but fellow shirtless Russian, Ivan Drago. Watch out, he must break you.

As we speak, my Russian neighbor is standing outside in the hallway looking out the window. He is wearing absolutely nothing but sweatpants and a ridiculous handle bar mustache that would surely incense Hulk Hogan. Did I mention said neighbor's sweatpants are pulled down quite a ways, revealing a quarter moon? As soon as my neighbor saw me leave my apartment, he stared at me for a moment with an icy glare that causes me to suspect the events of Eastern Promises are in fact truth, and then ran back inside of his apartment. And this man looks at me like I'm crazy whenever we walk past each other.

From the Basket

King me

"Jesus doesn't think you deserve that Oscar" and other things I learned from the Academy Awards

This post has absolutely nothing to do with the 81^st Academy Award show that aired this past Sunday. If you’re looking for an intelligent discussion on what the stars were wearing, or a thoughtful analysis of the various acceptance speeches, you’d better look elsewhere. Oh, and good luck to you; intelligence and thoughtfulness are not two words that come to mind when considering the Oscars. No, this post is devoted to my walk home along Highland Avenue (where the Kodak Theatre is located) late Sunday afternoon. It was during this walk that I learned several new things about the Academy Awards; things I was never taught in film school or my various industry jobs; things that you have to see for yourself.

1) Los Angeles imports New York crazies

While LA has its fair share of bums and nutjobs, each with his own pungent charm, the Oscars is way too big an event for them alone. Their fragile, warped sensibilities simply cannot handle the immense hoopla surrounding the show. Therefore, crazies are brought in from Manhattan for the weekend. These people are experts in crowd control, as they deal with such enormous events such as New Year’s Eve and the Thanksgiving Day Parade among others. These NY transplants wear sandwich boards illustrating the golden Oscar statue as an evil idol, condemning the Hollywood elite for his worship. Still reeking of stale hot dogs, peanuts and urine, these people shout conflicting protests and walking directions across the street via bullhorn. Most importantly, these folks selflessly ignore hunger and jetlag to let you know that Jesus does not want you to win that award, regardless of the incredible performance you gave this past year.

By the time that the Best Picture award is announced, the New Yorkers are well on their way back to the East Coast, traveling in their minivans/portable apartments. After all, if they’re here, who’s minding the Big Apple?

2) Starfuckers are dumb

As the convoy of limousines drove up Highland, I witnessed a small group of people standing on the sidewalk, attempting to catch a glimpse of the potential stars within. No one seemed to notice that all of the limos’ windows are completely tinted, precisely to prevent assholes from peering inside. No matter though as the crowd continued to guess which celebrity that limo is carrying. The one occasion that a non-limousine appeared in the fleet, I overheard one woman excitedly shout “Oh. My. God. He’s wearing a tuxedo!” How perceptive. I wish I could get so energized about something so pointlessly obvious. Of course he’s wearing a tux you dingbat; it’s the fucking Oscars. Every male is wearing a tuxedo, whether he is George Clooney, a security guard or a seat filler.

3) Seeing a celebrity is worth more than your child’s life

Along with the people unnecessarily shouting at the passing cars, I witnessed one woman not only risking her own life, but her four year old daughter’s life as well by running into the path of oncoming limousines. And not just regular limousines; we’re talking stretch Hummers and Escalades. Why not just play pat-a-cake on train tracks? Apparently catching a glimpse of one’s favorite actor (again, through tinted windows) is infinitely more worthwhile than keeping your kid safe. Besides, what made this woman think that her toddler would be remotely interested in star gazing, unless Wall-E or Po, the Kung Fu Panda is en route? On second thought, perhaps this woman was making a last minute attempt to pawn her spawn off on Brad and Angelina. Her kid is clearly better off joining the Pitt/Jolie mini-United Nations anyway.

4) The Reader is propaganda

That’s right; The Reader is yet another example of the liberal Jewish media trying to convince you that the Holocaust did indeed happen. After all, the movie producer, Harvey Weinstein is Jewish. As a Jew, the mere concept of denying the Holocaust is offensive and completely absurd. I refuse to even get into this discussion as it may be the most retarded argument EVER. Let me just say this: if a war ever arose between Holocaust deniers and real human beings, I’d much rather have a naked Kate Winslet on my side than that drunken buffoon Mel Gibson.

Unfortunately, the Oscar telecast was nowhere near as enthralling as the goings-on outside. Perhaps next year, the producers can include the people on the street in the festivities, a la Dick Clark's Rockin' New Years Eve. The citizens of Los Angeles are, after all, far more interesting than the overexposed celebrities inside (Mickey Rourke notwithstanding). Besides, I'm curious to know which Best Picture nominee the religious zealots have their money on.

Zombie vs. Shark!

I'm pretty certain this picture is self explanatory and needs no additional comments.
By the way, zombie wins.

Friday the 13th

The new Friday the 13th movie sucks. As someone who grew up watching Jason rip apart stupid teenagers, I am very disappointed in this remake to say the least, especially since Michael Bay, the man responsible for the 2 1/2 hour mean spirited epic of violence known as Bad Boys 2, is a producer on the film. There is, however, one reason to waste your precious $14 on a ticket:

Her name is Julianna Guill and her performance is literally stupendous. You'll see what I mean.

From the Basket

Save a turkey. Eat a baby.

Word of the day: RESPLENDENT

Today's word is "resplendent." While you're probably thinking it's pretty cool that the sugar substitute in the yellow packet warrants its own personal adjective you are wrong... DEAD WRONG. The word actually means shining brightly, gleaming or splendid. So go ahead and tell someone that their forehead is especially resplendent today. They'll love you for it and perhaps even supply you with a piping hot cup of coffee to the face.

RIP J Dilla

Today marks the third anniversary of James “J Dilla” Yancey’s death from lupus. For all of you who don’t know, J Dilla was a Detroit based producer/emcee who made beats for many prominent hip-hop and R&B artists. Along with being a founding member of the group Slum Village, Dilla worked with nearly everyone in the alternative hip-hop community such as A Tribe Called Quest, De La Soul, The Roots and Common,. Unlike Lil Wayne (whose success at the Grammys this past weekend surely marks the coming of the apocalypse), J Dilla is true hip-hop. J Dilla's ingenious, soulful music has made him a favorite producer of such hitmakers as Kanye West and Pharrell Williams.

I became aware of J Dilla’s brilliance on February 7, 2006, his 32^nd birthday as well as the release date of his album Donuts. Unfortunately, J Dilla passed away three days later. Created on his deathbed, Donuts is comprised entirely of samples mixed and chopped into perfection. All but one of the songs is under two minutes, and the album is best heard in one sitting. Though it may take several listens to appreciate (as most creative works require), Donuts is ultimately rewarding. Listen to it with headphones…I guarantee your ears will smile. Buy it here

Without further ado, ten of my favorite Dilla beats (all available on iTunes or wherever you steal your music from):

1. J Dilla – “Won’t Do” (The Shining, BBE Music, 2006)

2. The Pharcyde – “Runnin’” (Labcabincalifornia, Delicious Vinyl, 1995)

3. Slum Village – “Fall in Love” (Fantastic Vol. 2, Goodvibe, 2000)

4. Common – “The Light” (Like Water For Chocolate, MCA, 2000)

5. De La Soul – “Stakes is High” (Stakes is High, Tommy Boy, 1996)

6. Jack McDuff – “Oblighetto [Remix]” (Blue Note Revisited, Blue Note, 2004)

7. A Tribe Called Quest – “Find a Way” (The Love Movement, Jive, 1998)

8. J Dilla – “Time: The Donut of the Heart” (Donuts, Stones Throw, 2006)

9. The Pharcyde – “Drop” (Labcabincalifornia, Delicious Vinyl, 1995)

10. The Pharcyde – “Somethin’ That Means Somethin’” (Labcabincalifornia, Delicious Vinyl, 1995)

For further reading, check out Stones Throw Records' page on J Dilla featuring articles, tributes, photos and a full discography

Out in stores today is a two volume tribute album from J Dilla's close friend and frequent collaborator Madlib, titled Dil Cosby Suite & Dil Withers Suite. You can pick it up on CD, vinyl or MP3 here.